Twenty years ago, I lost my twice-exceptional son Sam to the failures of an education system that couldn’t see him and didn’t sufficiently value him for who he was. He was excluded from school for the first time aged just six. He was finally excluded—this time from the student union bar at his university—aged nineteen. He took his own life that night.
I couldn’t tell Sam’s story for a long time because it was too painful and I was too angry. As the years passed, it seemed less relevant. Then I saw what had happened to Sam repeating itself, in terrifying ways, with my grandson. And everywhere I looked, I saw other Sams—brilliant, struggling, misunderstood children being failed by inadequate systems. I realised Sam’s story needed, urgently, to be heard.
The cardboard box
In January this year, I dragged a cardboard box down from the attic, overflowing with yellowing school reports, letters to and from education authorities, psychologists’ and psychiatrists’ assessments, and heartbreaking memorabilia. I sat down to write Sam’s story.
I started to see the parallels between his experience in the 1990s and my own at school in the 1970s. I did some research and the clouds began to clear. I learned that giftedness wasn’t about high IQ or achievement or even potential, but an aspect of neurodivergence that comes with sensitivities and intensities that need understanding and accommodation. I discovered that these traits have clear overlaps with autism and ADHD.
My son was neurodivergent but this was not recognised
From a young age Sam was identified as ‘gifted’ but not recognised as having a unique neurobiology that required a different approach in order for him to be able to learn or to be OK. His struggles to conform in school were interpreted as behavioural problems, emotional damage or bad parenting and he was castigated, pressured, punished and excluded from a very young age.
I had always understood my teenage self as difficult, rebellious, badly behaved. I still held shame about choices I made all those years ago. This new knowledge meant I could accept that I wasn’t bad, and never had been.
My son wasn’t bad either, but I knew that at the time. I was a humanly imperfect but good enough mother. The problem wasn’t with him or me; it was the schools, education systems, and communities we were trying to fit into.
Sam is standing in the middle of this snowboarding group with his school friends.
It takes a village
All children need to feel safe if they are to learn and grow. All children need to learn in ways that work for them at their own pace. And all children need to feel valued just for being exactly who they are. When we get it right, children don’t just survive school. They thrive both within and beyond it.
Every child needs to know they belong, exactly as they are. And much of this is beyond the reach of a mother or father.
It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village not to lose a child.
Who am I?
I’m a psychotherapist and writer. Through my writing I aim to connect with others who want to act as a bridge between what was and is and what could be by:
Witnessing what is not working for too many of our children in our education systems
Holding space for sharing our stories
Holding space for those who are healing from educational trauma
Contributing to the dreaming up of new possibilities for how schools could be
I am also a mother and a grandmother
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This is for you if you:
🌱 Are parenting or teaching children who our school system isn’t serving
🌿 Survived your own educational trauma and see the patterns repeating
✨ Are reimagining what learning could look like rooted in love and compassion
🪴 Want to share your stories and inspire new possibilities for education
What if we started by accepting children exactly as they are and creating the conditions where they can truly thrive? They’ll become the connected, compassionate people our world so desperately needs. And this is already happening in amazing places in the UK and across the world.
🌿 Stories and reflections - about belonging, giftedness, neurodiversity, and re-imagining education
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🙏🏼 “We accept the child—we embrace without making a judgement, the good, the bad, anything...”— Lobsang Phuntsok, of Jhamtse Gatsal
